Today was one of my worst days since I started at my new job. Mostly my own causing. Just not feeling good about it.
A week or two ago, I was bitching about something about my office, I don't really recall what it was just now. My wife, trying to be helpful, asked if there wasn't something I could do to change that particular situation, or maybe the overall situation. Maybe a different job. Maybe a different field. I realized that I am tiring of my chosen career somewhat, but I can't imagine anything else I would enjoy as much that would pay even a quarter of what I'm making now. In fact, I can't imagine anything else I would enjoy much at all. I don't want a week off. I want 6 months off.
Sometime between that and then, I was thinking about my wonderful kids. I had a break from them for a few hours, and I was getting some stuff done. But I was very conscious the entire time that it was just a temporary break. Even when I get a few days in a row, it's very very temporary. I'm grateful, of course, but I'm not me. I'm daddy. And I'm going to be daddy again, even when I take a short vacation and be a real person for awhile.
I guess I just feel trapped by the whole situation. Meanwhile the economy is falling apart and fascists roam the streets brandishing assault rifles. Or is that not for another year or two? Guess I might as well enjoy my fucked-up Tuesday while I have it, as next Tuesday's not likely to be a whole lot better.
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